The Journey Continues...

In late September, I posted a new entry to this blog detailing the search for my birth mother. Since that time, a few things have developed. Through the power of the internet (mostly Facebook), I have since had the pleasure of meeting all of the family members on my birth father's side, and many of the family members on my birth mother's side.

As I mentioned in the September post, the initial motivation behind seeking out my birth mother was simply to gather information...specifically, medical history.

Over the past several months, I have had the pleasure of spending time with all of my newly found aunts, uncles, and cousins on my birth father's side of the family. The Read family has been kind, welcoming, and supportive. My newly found aunts, uncles, and cousins have welcomed us kindly into their homes and lives. My sons have even found some new playmates.

I had the pleasure of meeting two of my birth mother's siblings last night, and they, too, were kind and supportive. I look forward to spending more time with them soon.

What started has only a quest for information has evolved into much more. I am truly grateful for everyone's openness to contact, willingness to share, and support of this process. It has been a truly great experience...

40 year reunion

As some of you may know, I was adopted at birth. Being adopted is certainly not a bad thing. I was adopted by a family that offered much love, support, and guidance to me. We lived in a middle class neighborhood, I was able to attend a private school for many years, and, although we were not the wealthiest family around, I never felt deprived. My dad was my coach in most of my youth sports leagues, and he helped me understand the importance of effort and drive. My sports career started at the local Y, and, I now understand that the memories that I have of those games helped shaped who I have become. Those Y games soon turned into high school, AAU and ultimately, college games.

My mom was (and still is), a caring, compassionate woman. She too supported me as I grew and matured. I vividly remember the day that I realized that I had grown taller than her...in the 3rd grade. I was upset. Being taller than your parent at such a young age is strange. However, what my mom lacked in height, she made up for in spirit.

I cannot remember when I was told that I was adopted, but I believe that it was at a fairly young age. The only thing that seemed "off" about my place in the family was my height. I grew to be much taller than my mom, sister, and dad at a fairly young age. I reached the 6' mark by 7th grade, 6'4" by the 8th grade, 6'6" by the end of high school, and finally, 6'7". Family pictures were comical, as no one else in the family topped 5'10".

I never felt compelled to find my birth parents for a few reasons. As mentioned above, I had a pretty good life, and felt no "void" that needed to be filled. I also knew that my birth parents were very young when I was born. I suspected that they did not end up together. I had no interest in disrupting their lives as adults.

My sister (also adopted) felt differently. She sought out her birth family some years ago. She developed good relationships with her birth mother and siblings. She maintains many of those relationships presently. But, that just wasn't of interest to me.

My wife and I welcomed our 1st son, Griffin, into the world in June 2008. Griffin's arrival led me to many questions about my family's health history. All of my life, I really have had no clue about health history, or, for that matter, ancestry and origins. I realized that I needed more information if I was going to be able to adequately parent my son. I wanted to know if he might be predisposed to any health issues that we could pro-actively guard against. I decided that it was time to gather more information.

In Texas, the adoption laws dictate how birth parents and children are able to connect. If both parties sign the adoption registry, the adoption agency will make the connection, but will only allow limited contact. The agency will provide each party the first name and location (state only) of the other party. If each party wants to communicate, it must be done through the agency. So, I signed the registry, and waited. I received a letter shortly after signing that informed me that my birth-mother's name was Sheryl, and her last known address was in Oregon. Clearly, this was not enough information to allow me to search on my own. So, in November 2008, after 38 years, I wrote a letter.

The letter was fairly straight forward. It mentioned all of what I have mentioned above, and that I was interested only in gathering information. I wanted Sheryl to know that I certainly did not want to disrupt her life. The better part of a year passed, and I received no response. I made a call to the adoption agency and was told that my letter had been returned due to a bad address. Frustrating.

In the Spring of this year, I received a letter. It seems that my birth-mother updated her address with the agency, and finally received my letter. The letters were all edited by the agency so as to not allow for identifying information. If both parties agree to make a face to face connection, a counseling session is required. Sherry and I traded a few letters, and I was learning quite a bit, including the fact that I have a half-brother, 3 years younger. On June 8, I received another letter from Sherry. This letter contained some info that was different. Sherry mentioned in the letter that I had an uncle that was a Pulitzer Prize winning composer. I didn't think much of it, by my wife and her sister did. My sister-in-law began google searching Pulitzer Prize composers, and found this: www.stevenstucky.com. Once she saw his photo, we knew we were onto something. I now had a last name. I googled Sherry Stucky, and, bingo. I found a Facebook page. The profile picture on the page matched a photo that she sent me in the previous day's letter.

I called my wife and simply said: "I found her". Now what? I had a day full of meetings that day, so was unable to make contact. When I returned home that evening, I pulled up the Facebook page and pondered the next step. Sherry's page would not allow for a message to be sent to her or for much of her content to be seen. However, 1 important piece of info was visible: Children: (my half brother), 36 years, Derek, 39 years. So, again, what now? Do I "friend request" my birth-mother????? My wife and I talked about it, and finally, after some coaxing, I did it. A short time later, my blackberry buzzes...friend request accepted. I went to the computer, and there she was. We chatted online for a short time, and then talked via phone for 90 minutes. Over the next few weeks, we talked and emailed quite a bit, sharing photos, her family tree, etc. She shared with me that my biological father passed away a few years ago, but she made contact with his brother, which allowed for some information sharing from that side of the family. I have had quite a bit of contact with my biological father's siblings and their kids. Most of this has happened via facebook.

After quite a bit of interaction, for a few reasons, we decided that we would, in fact, meet face to face. So, I began the process of planning a trip. I am pleased to report that I am typing this on the plane on the way back from that trip. I spent a couple of days in Oregon this week meeting Sherry, my biological half-brother, and his family. It was a great experience. My visit allowed enough time to visit, share stories and photos, have a few meals, and even skype with my two boys. What started out as only a quest for information has turned into a good experience.

My wife, boys, and I are scheduled to have dinner with a few of the family members on my biological father's side next weekend. I am very appreciative of everyone's willingness to share information and openness to contact.

My mom has been really great through all of this. She has been supportive and has provided input and guidance, as she has been through this process before with my sister. I have done my best to be sensitive to her feelings and respectful of her. I hope that I have succeeded.

Well, we have started our descent into DFW. Time for me to turn off the blackberry and go home to my loving wife and kids. I am excited that they now have a few more folks that they can call "family".

Motivation vs. Inspiration

I had dinner with an old friend last night. I have referenced this friend in previous blog posts. This is the type of friend that encourages critical thinking, creative thought, and lively dialogue. Invariably, I leave conversations with this friend feeling energized, challenged, and most of all, inspired.

One of the ideas that surfaced during our conversation revolved around the differences between motivation and inspiration. In order to provide a bit of context, our conversation last night was about YMCA work, but I believe that the thought process is applicable in many arenas.

As we began to talk about jobs, career pathing, job performance etc., the word motivation continued to surface. I made the comment that motivation and inspiration were very different. My thought: we can all find things to motivate us. We may be motivated by the opportunity for promotion, the fear of failure, the desire for recognition, competition among peers, or the stability of our current situation.

Inspiration, on the other hand, is quite different. Inspiration drives for true growth, energy and passion about our work, and ultimately, the drive that it takes to continue to evolve and progress.

During last night's conversation, motivation was linked to management and maintenance, but inspiration was linked to development and growth.

So, the question is, where can one find inspiration? I recognize that this answer differs for each of us.

If we, collectively, wish to leave management "mode" and enter development "mode" what will drive us to do so? Or, is the status quo too comfortable? Will we shun potential sources of inspiration in order to simply maintain what we are currently doing?

Where do you find inspiration?

Lifesaver

In my line of work, it is not uncommon to receive phone calls at odd hours that relate to something happening at the Y. Most often, it is a broken pipe, an angry member, or an absent staff person. A couple of weeks ago, I received a call that was very different.

I actually missed the call, but picked up my mobile just moments later and checked the voicemail. The message said" Derek- a member has collapsed on a treadmill, one of our staff is administering CPR, and 911 has been called."

So, here is the story: One of our long-time members had just completed his workout on a treadmill and was headed to get some gym-wipes to wipe down the machine. He collapsed in front of the treadmill. One of our key-staff heard the noise, and quickly went to investigate. He found the member conscious, but unresponsive. The member seized up and then became completely unresponsive.

Our staff person opened the member's airway, checked for breathing and pulse, and began CPR. Another staff member brought our AED to the scene of the incident. After the AED pads were applied to the member's chest, the AED attempted to find a pulse, and, when none was found, advised our staff member to administer a shock.

After the shock was administered, the AED assessed the patient again, and determined that a pulse was again present. paramedics arrived, stabilized the member, and took him to the hospital.

The member had surgery on Saturday, and a stent was inserted into the main artery leading to his heart. The doctor's described the artery as being 90% blocked, and said that they commonly refer to said artery as "the widow-maker", as heart attacks that result from blockage in that artery are most often fatal.

The member was released from the hospital on Monday, and on Tuesday, just 5 short days after the incident, he stood in my office, thanking the YMCA for saving his life...

I am very proud of my staff member and team members that make our YMCA a great place to be. In this instance, not only was the Y able to improve a life, but actually save one...

offense vs. defense

I am attending a YMCA USA Program Development Session this week. So, while thinking in terms of sports, I made a loose connection between sports and life strategy. It seems like we spend most of our lives playing defense. We defend our families, our values, our jobs, our friends, and our belief systems. Can we ever really achieve our goals if we do not play offense? Offense allows for strategy, goal setting and achievement, and ultimately victory. However, offense also involves risk. One must challenge the defense, enter the opponent's territory, and attempt to "score". It requires energy, skill, strategy, and purpose.

Society encourages us to continue to play defense. Defense is safe. We must protect our thinking, our kids (who, by the way, have never been safer than now), our property etc.

Offense allows us to get to the "good stuff". New opportunities (personal and professional), growth, and achievement of goals.

Making the change from defense to offense requires a major shift in thinking. We have to quit being so safe, and take some risks.

So, how do we make the change?

half way over?

As a general rule, I am not a birthday broadcaster. I know plenty of folk that announce their birthdays months in advance, celebrate birthday months etc. Nothing wrong with that, but it is simply not me. I am usually happy letting my birthday come and go without much hoopla. Ideal birthday for me: some quality time with my wife and son. Leave the cake, parties, etc for someone else.

So, I am way out of my comfort zone as I write this blog, but wanted to comment on something that happened on my birthday this year.

Maybe you are like me in that a birthday represents an open season for you friends to rib you about your age etc. (maybe I need new friends...) This year, I received an email on the blackberry at 7:15 a.m. on the birthday. My "friend" wrote: "Happy Birthday. Almost 40 - your life is half way over - enjoy your day." Hmmm. Half way over?

Well, If life is halfway over, then what had I accomplished in the first half? Is it truly even worth pondering, or is my time better used thinking about what I can accomplish in the second half? (there is a Tim McGraw song in here somewhere...)

So, the next half to do list:

• Raise my son (soon to be sons) to be the best men that they can be.
• Work hard to make sure that my marriage is solid and not boring. Make sure that my wife and I continue to grow as a couple.
• Pursue professional growth opportunities to not only spur my own growth, but, more importantly, allow for my family to be well provided for.
• Get active again. While I still can.
• Reconnect with friends that I have become too distant from.

I'm sure that this list will grow and evolve (after all, it is 4 a.m. - how clear can my thinking be?)

Half way over? Maybe. Disappointed to be on the back-9? Nope.

Spirit of Service

This Saturday, the Lakewood Service League will host their Annual Walk, Wag and Run Event ( http://www.lakewoodserviceleague.org/walkwagrun/) at Winfrey Point at White Rock Lake. The YMCA at White Rock is one of two beneficiaries of the event.

The Y is quite thankful to be a part of such a great event. There is lots of synergy between the event and the Y, as the event promotes wellness, family time, and community support.

The Lakewood Service League is a Women's League in East Dallas that has been supporting local charities since 1982. The leagues tremendous work over the past quarter-century has greatly benefited many organizations in East Dallas, including the Y.

So, I ask the question: "What is one's motivation to serve?" When I think about personal motivation, I tend to think in terms of personal benefit. I think that all of us tend to think about the personal recognition that we might receive, the financial benefit of a behavior, etc. But what motivates one to work hard to create an event (such as walk, wag and run) that is selfless?

More importantly, how can we create an environment where a spirit of service becomes a social norm?

I had an interesting discussion with a colleague lately about family philanthropy. The premise was that adults find motivations to give. It could be that they want / need to give back, or it could be a simple as the desire to get a tax deduction, but, nonetheless, they give. Kids, on the other hand, may not understand the value in giving. So, the question was, how do we create a family philanthropic model that teaches kids the importance of giving back?

What language do we use to illustrate the importance of community support through charitable giving and service to others. How do we motivate others (kids and adults) to provide service to to others when there may be little personal gain from such an act?

And, for me, how do I raise my kids in such a way that they value service to others?

I think that there are some simple answers to these questions, including: leading by example and reinforcement of moral codes found in religion, but I believe that there has to be more.

This weekend, several dozen women will give their time to create an event that will greatly benefit our community. They understand the power of selfless acts and community support. Somewhere along the line, a valuable lesson was learned by each of the members of the Lakewood Service League. How do we bottle those learnings and replicate for the next generation?